When Meric and I first got married we discussed having kids. We both knew we wanted them and decided that after a year of marriage we should start a family. After trying for a couple of months I was shocked I wasn't pregnant. I had ALWAYS had a very consistent menstrual cycle. We did a little research and learned that it is normal for it to take 6 months to a year to first conceive.
So I tried to be patient. The longer it took the harder it got. Everyone would ask us when we were going to have kids. We wanted them but every month like clockwork my period would start. And every month I was more and more devastated. I wanted kids so bad it was hard to be around people who had them and I started to dread Mother's Day. I hated when people with kids would try and relate to my situation. "Oh I understand, it took me 3 months to conceive" really wasn't comforting when I was into my second year.
We tried all of the text book remedies to help us conceive. We had Meric tested and everything was fine with him. We checked my temperature, tried different positions, made a detailed calender of my menstrual cycle and checked to make sure I was ovulating. Nothing helped. When Meric and I moved to San Antonio, TX we discussed seeing an infertility specialist. After my first appointment I was hopeful. They had found nothing wrong with me and gave me a prescription for Clomid. I felt confident that soon I would be pregnant. I took the Clomid for a week and was an emotional wreck! Anyone who has taken Clomid knows what I mean. Also after I took the drug I threw up every afternoon for a week. I knew that wasn't the route I wanted to take.
Shortly after that we moved to Fayetteville, NC. We decided to keep trying to have kids but started looking into adoption. Adoption is expensive and unless we travelled outside the U.S. a lot of adoptions nowadays are open which makes me nervous. I just think of the sad stories where a baby is placed for adoption and then years later somehow the birth parents are allowed to take them back. I couldn't have handled that. So Meric and I decided that maybe we should try foster parenting. The children wouldn't be ours but at least we could give them a good home for a while. We took a 10 week course and started the paperwork to become foster parents. Unfortunately due to budget cuts and being short staffed the process took too long. Meric and I were scheduled to move again.
By this point Meric and I had been married for 7 years and trying to have kids for 6 long years. We discussed our situation and decided that maybe we should just be happy with the dogs as our kids. We loved our lifestyle and the freedom having no kids gave us. We moved into a 5th wheel trailer, moved to Kentucky and decided to just be happy.
It was a long and hard road dealing with infertility. So many times I cried and felt so inferior. It was hard to deal with the looks people would give us when they found out we had been married for years and didn't have kids. It was hard to have always wanted to be a mom and know that it wasn't going to happen.
But you know what? We were happy. Meric and I loved each other and as soon as we decided to not have kids it was like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We started to live for the day and not just for the someday. We made plans that didn't include having kids. I can honestly say we love NOT having kids. Somehow through all the years of waiting and heartbreak we found happiness.
That being said a new chapter is about to start in our lives. A chapter that like the last has brought a lot of tears and I am sure will bring several more. After completely giving up and learning to be truly happy with life, Meric and I have discovered I am pregnant. It has come as a shock and most days we really aren't sure what to think of our situation. Some days we are happy and other days we question why this is happening to us now.
But either way we are expecting a baby girl on January 28th.
